Animal thoughts...

CONTRACTOR OF THE YEAR AWARDS

Good Advice...

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT. USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS, SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE IN YOUR ARTERIES & VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE, WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER, EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

(With thanks to Peter Murray).

Doctor Who is the BOLLOCKS...

An Uneartlhly Testicle
The Testicles
The Testicles Of Destruction
Marco Testicle
The Testicles Of Marinus
The Testicles Of Terror
Testicles Of Giants
The Testicle Invasion Of Earth
The Testicles Planet
The Testicles Museum
The Testicles Meddler
Testicle Four
Mission To The Testicle
The Testicle Makers
The Daleks Master Testicle
The Testicle Toymaker
The Testiclefighters
The Testicle Machines
The Tenth Testicle
The Power Of The Testicles
The Hightesticles
The Underwater Testicle
The Moontesticle
The Testicle Terror
The Testicleless Ones
The Evil Of The Testicles
The Testicles Of The Cybermen
The Abominable Testicles
The Ice Testicles
The Testicles Of The World
The Testicle Of Fear
Testicle From The Deep
The Testicle In Space
The Testicles Robber
The Testicles Of Death
The Space Testicles
The War Testicles
Testicles From Space
Doctor Who And The Testicles
Terror Of The Testicles
The Testicles Of Evil
The Testicles Of Axos
Day Of The Testicles
The Testicles Of Peladon
The Sea Testicles
The Time Testicles
The Three Testicles
Carnival Of Testicles
Planet Of The Testicles
The Green Testicle
Invasion Of the Testicles
Death To The Testicles
The Testicle Experiment
Genesis Of The Testicles
Revenge Of The Testicles
Testicles Of Mars
The Testicle Invasion
The Testicles Of Morbius
The Testicles Of Doom
The Testicles Of Mandragora
The Deadly Testicle
The Testicles Of Weng Chiang
Testicles Of Fang Rock
The Invisible Testicle
The Testicles Of The Fendahl
Testicleworld
The Testicles Of Time
The Testicle Operation
The Pirate Testicle
The Testicles Of Blood
The Testicles Of Tara
The Testicle Of Kroll
The Testicle Factor
Destiny Of The Testicles
City Of Testicals
The Testicle From The Pit
Nightmare Of Testicles
The Testicles Of Nimon
The Leisure Testicle
Full Testicles
Testicles Of Decay
Warrior's Testicle
The Keeper Of Testicles
Testicles To Doomsday
Black Testicle
Testicalshock
Time-Testical
The Testicles Of Infinity
Testicledance
Testicle Undead
The King's Testicles
The Five Testicals
Resurrection Of The Testicals
Testicle Of Fire
The Testicles Of Androzani
The Twin Testicles
Attack Of The Testicles
Testicals On Varos
The Testicals Of The Rani
The Two Testicals
Testiclelash
Revelation Of The Testicles
The Testicles Of A Time Lord:
The Mysterious Testicle
Testiclewarp
The Ultimate Testicle
Testicles And The Rani
Testicle Towers
Delta And The Testiclemen
Dragontesticles
Testicles Of The Daleks
The Testicle Patrol
Silver Testicals
The Greatest Testicles In The Galaxy
Battletesticles
Ghost Testicles
The Testicles Of Fenric
The End Of The Testicles
The Unquiet Testicle
Testicals Of London
Testical War Three
The Long Testicle
Father's Testicles
The Empty Testicle
The Testical Dances
Testicletown
Bad Testicals
The Parting Of The Testicals
New Testicle
Tooth And Testicle
School Testical
The Testical In The Fireplace
The Age Of Testicals
The Idiot's Testicle
The Impossible Testicle
The Satan Testical
Love & Testicles
Fear Testicles
Army Of Testicals
Testiclesday
The Runaway Testicle
Smith And Testicle
The Testicle Code
Testiclelock
Testicles In Manhattan
Evolution Of The Testicles
Human Testicle
The Sound Of Testicals
Last Of The Testicles
Testicals Of The Damned
Testicles In Crime
The Testicles Of Pompeii
Testicals Of The Ood
The Testicle Stratagem
The Poison Testical
The Doctor's Testical
The Unicorn And The Testical
Testicles In The Library
Testicles Of The Dead
Turn Testicle
The Stolen Testicle
Testicles' End
The Next Testical
The End Of Testicals
The Eleventh Testical
The Testical Below
Victory Of The Testicles
The Time Of Testicles
Flesh And Testicles
The Testicals Of Venice
Amy's Testicals
The Hungry Testical
Cold Testical
Vincent And The Testical
The Testical
The Testical Opens
The Big Testical

--- --- ---

Which are you favourite stories?!

Source: Andy Lambert.

Amazon - Still waiting for your order?..

John Barrowman- Putting It Together Blooper

Funny Fish

Sketchy Guard

Sketchy Duel

Sketchy Blues

Sketchy Ice Creams

Doctor Who Adventures, Issue 181: MONSTER LAUGHS - These jokes are just what the Doctor ordered!

Why did the Silurian try to swallow a jumper?
He had COLD BLOOD!

How do Slitheen celebrate getting a year older?
They have a birthday FARTY!

Why does the Doctor never look scared?
He always likes to put on a brave FEZ!

Which Doctor Who episode is most popular during Wimbledon?
The Vampires of TENNIS!

Which of the Doctor's friends is useful on a rainy day?
Tony MACK!

What do you get if you cross Amy and an Ood?
Amy FROND!

Which painter suffered from sore throats?
Vincent Van COUGH!

Why were Amy and the Doctor sad to leave Starship UK?
Because they had a WHALE of a time!

What is Francesco's favourite dance?
The FANG-dango!

A Desert Love Story

Once upon a time there was once a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps.
He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump.
As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps.
They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.
Naturally, they decided on...
'Humphrey'.
Oh stop groaning, it's a nice story.

Aircraft Quiz - What is the biggest advantage of rotary-wing aircraft over fixed-wing aircraft?

A new mouse for women

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse supplied with PCs.

Scientists found that there is no physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a psychological problem.

Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands.

Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.

Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:

Julie from Hounslow said:-
'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be.'

Susan from Chelmsford added:-
'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle.'

Hillary from Kent said:-
'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!'

Sally from London said: –
'It feels so natural.'

YouTube - Dog on Swing

Thanks to Randall Thomas for the link, and words...

"That is one cool dog. Love the look on her face. Priceless."

Funny doggie photos

Doormats With A Difference